I wanna passion pit in your ass
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
