How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize