I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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