I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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