I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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