Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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