his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
