The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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