i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
