I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
