it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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