Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
