i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
