When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
