Pants 0. Shit 1.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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