Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
