he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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