i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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