I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
