I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
