She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
