Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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