using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
