It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
