Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
