sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize