I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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