I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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