Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
