I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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