I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
