I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
