guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
