Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
