I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You ruined the universe
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
