i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
high people should be assigned attendants
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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