I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
