I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
