My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
