You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
