I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
