so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
