Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
