Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
babies were throwing up all over the place
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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