Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
