I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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