so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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