i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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