sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
