remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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