i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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