you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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