This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
