Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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