I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
