Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
